Tawanan Na...

1. Nanay: Bobo ka talaga! 1 to 10 lang di mo
kayang bilangin?
Anak: Mas bobo si tatay, nay, kasi narinig ko
minsan sabi, 'tama na inday,
hanggang tatlo lang kaya ko.'

2. Ano ang pagkain?

Mister: Ano ang pagkain natin?
Misis: Nasa mesa, bahala ka na pumili!
Mister: Isang pirasong tuyo?
Ano pagpipilian ko?
Misis: Pumili ka kung kakain ka o hindi!

3. Overseas Call

IDD Call from US:
Husband: Hon, musta ang tindahan?
Wife: Department store na!
Husband: Ang tuba-an?
Wife: KTV bar na!
Husband: Ang mga tri-sikad?
Wife: Taxi na!
Husband: Ang dalawa kong anak?
Wife: Lima na!

4. Horoscope

Sweethearts watchin' the sky...
Guy: Ano ang horoscope mo?
Girl: Anong huruskup?
Guy: Yung bang kapalaran mo,
katulad ko, CANCER.
Girl: Ah, sa akin ALMURANAS!

5. Almusal

Donya: Bilang bagong katulong, tandaan mo na
ang almusal dito ay ala-sais emprunto!
Maid: Walang problema, donya, kung tulog pa
ako sa oras na yun, mauna na kayong
mag-almusal!

6. Ni-rape...

Maid: Ma'm, ni-rape ako ng magnanakaw
kagabi...
Madam: Bakit di ka sumigaw?
Maid: Eh, akala ko po si Sir, pero nung
makadalawa, nagduda na ako!

7. Mayaman - Mahirap

Juan: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami,
nagkakamay kaming kumain.
Ngayong mahirap na kami,
nakakutsara na.
Pedro: Baligtad yata?
Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!

8. Pangarap

Toto: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly
gaya ni daddy!
Juvy: Wow!
Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?
Toto: Hindi! Yan din ang pangarap niya!

9. Dalawang mayabang...

Usapan ng dalawang mayabang...
Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga,
dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin.
Diego: Alam ko.
Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?
Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.

10. Nitrates

A Chemistry teacher asked a sexy student,
'What are Nitrates?'
The student replied shyly, 'Ma'am, sa motel po,
Nitrates are higher than day rates!'

11. Siling Labuyo

Ate: Musta date mo, sis? Epektib ba payo ko,
siling labuyo sa nipples mo para di ka
galawin ng bf mo?
Sis: Hay naku, ate, palpak! Ginanahan pa lalo,
eh, uragon pala!

12. Madre't Sakristan

Madre: Ano ang apelyido mo, iho?
Sakristan: Alam nyo na ho yun sister,
lagi nyo po yun hinahawakan.
Madre: Susmaryosep!
Bayag ba ang apelyido mo?!
Sakristan: Sister naman, Rosario po.

13. Katapusan na!

Lumindol ng malakas noon...
Nagkagulo ang lahat at nag panic!
Sumigaw ang isang lalaki...'Katapusan na!
Katapusan na!'
Sumagot ang isa pang lalaki...
'Tanga! A-kinse pa lang!'

14. Utot

Pupil: Ma'm, bumubukol po ba ang utot?
Teacher: No! Definitely not!
Kasi hangin lang yun! Remember,
hindi bumubukol ang utot...
Pupil: Naku, patay! Tae na to!

15. Sa Airplane

Sa isang mumurahing airline...
Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner?
Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices?
Stewardess: 'Yes or No' lang po.

16. Walang Syota

Pare1: Pare, ba't naman hanggang ngayon wala
ka pang syota? Wala ka pa bang
napupusuan?
Pare2: Meron... Manhid ka lang!

17. Sa Isang Ospital

Lola (may cancer): Doc, anong gagawin niyo sa
akin?
Doc: Che-chemo, lola.
Lola: Titi mo rin! Bastos ka! Walang modo!

18. Top One

Boy: Nay!
Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
Nanay: Ba't mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one
sa klase. Ang tinuro ni Ma'am yung
katabi ko... Muntik na ako!

Did you enjoy it all???? Have a GOOD DAY!!

Next US President is a Filipino

At least now, we Filipino might have conquered something in this century and beyond….!

We just have to spread our seed and run for any candidacy post around the world….

Keep scrolling down….


Any Idea yet?


It could be in your blood . Who knows…?


They are running DNA test now for all the candidates!


And here is our guy!


Sound Drumming ….at the Ring side "Red Corner"…..


The one and only!!!!!!!

Joke Tym....

WIFE: i'm warning you! Parating na husband ko in 1 hour!
HANDSOME VISITOR: Wala naman akong ginawang masama ah?
WIFE: kaya nga! kung may balak ka, GAWIN MO NA!!!

> >>-------------------------------
MISTER: pag namatay ka, isusulat ko sa nitso mo "MALAMIG NUNG BUHAY,
MAS MA LAMIG NUNG MAMATAY!"
MISIS: Ah ganun?! sa nitso mo naman "SA WAKAS NANIGAS DIN!"

> >>--------------------------------
WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO TO HELL",
kaya ito uwi agad ako..

> >>---------------------------
SEXY: Maawa ka! meron ako, meron ako!
RAPIST: AHH! Walang meron-meron sa kin! TITIKMAN KITAA!!
SEXY: WAG! AY!
RAPIST: Yaakk!! Meron ka nga! Meron kang itlog. >>Bakla!

> >>-----------------------------
1st night lola wear see thru dress, lolo didn't react...
2nd night lola wear t-back, lolo still deadma...
3rd nyt lola all naked, lolo said "anu yan suot mo, >>gusot-gusot!!"

> >>--------------------------------
Juan: b-day ng asawa ko
Pedro: ano regalo mo?
Juan: tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
P: ano naman sinabi?
J: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
P: ano binigay mo?
J: Baraha.

> >>------------------------------
Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
Student: That's not true! ! My dad says we are >descendants of an Ape!
Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY!

> >>----------------------------
RUSSIAN: we're 1st in space
USA: we're 1st in the moon
ERAP: we'll be the 1st in the sun
USA: you can't go there, you'll burn
ERAP: we're not stupid, we'll go there at NIGHT!

> >>---------------------------
Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na to, let's make love.
Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa akong gigising bukas, buti ikaw, hindi na.

> >>--------------------------
KRIMINAL1: "Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung papatayin natin?"
KRIMINAL2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na! ;tayo dito wala pa rin siya!
Sana naman walang nangyaring masama sa kanya."

Sampung prutas - sure you will laugh....

May 3 hunters na nahuli ng mga cannibals sa gubat. Dinala sila sa harap ng
tribal chief para siya ang pupugot ng ulo.
Nagmakaawa yung mga hunters at naawa naman yung chief.

Chief: Sige hindi namin kayo papatayin, sa isang kondisyon. kailangan
isa-isa kayong mangolekta ng 10 pirasong prutas. dalhin nyo iyon dito at
saka ko sasabihin ang sunod nyong gagawin.

Naghiwa-hiwalay ang tatlong magkakaibigan. Unang dumating si Pedro,
dala-dala'y 10 oranges.

Chief: Ngayon, ipasok mo ang lahat ng mga prutas na iyan sa iyong puwet.
Kailangan ay hindi magbabago ang mukha mo. Konting ngiwi o ngiti lang ay
pupugutan ka agad namin ng ulo.

Unang orange pa lang ang pinapasok ay napa-sigaw agad si Pedro. Agad siyang
pinugutan ng ulo.

Sunod na dumating ay si Juan, dala-dala'y 10 lansones. Tuwang-tuwa siya ng
in-explain sa kanya nung Chief kung ano ang kailangan nyang gawin.

Juan: sus! sisiw lang pala. kayang-kaya! buti na lang maliit na prutas ang
kinolekta ko. naipasok ni Juan ang mga lansones sa kanyang puwit ng walang
problema. Ngunit nung nasa pang-10 prutas na siya, bigla siyang napatawa.
Pugot-ulo agad ni Chief.

Pagkamatay ay napunta agad si Juan sa langit kung saan nakita niya si Pedro.
Nagkausap ang dalawa.

Pedro: Sayang Juan! pinapanood kita dito sa langit habang ginagawa mo yung
utos. Isang lansones na lang hindi mo pa tiniis! Buhay ka pa sana ngayon.
Ano bang nangyari sayo?

Juan: Pare, ang dali-dali ngang ipasok nung mga lansones. Kaso, nung
matatapos na ako bigla kong nakita si pareng Jose --- may dala-dalang 10
langka!

WAL-MART Job Interview

A Filipino Applies for a Job at Wal-Mart. An office
manager at Wal-Mart
was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a
job opening. After
sorting through a stackof resumes he found four people
who were equally
qualified - an American, a Russian, an Australian and
a Filipino. He
decided to call the four in and ask them only one
question. Their answer
would determine which of them would get the job.The
day came and as the
four sat around the conference room table.

Manager:"What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Dave (American): "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your
head. There's
no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A
thought is the
fastest thing I know of."

Manager: "That's very good! And now you sir?" he asked
Vladimir, the
Russian.

Vladimir (Russian) "Hmm.... let mesee. A BLINK! It
comes and goes
and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is
the fastest
thing I kn ow of."

Manager: "Excellent! The blink of an eye, that's a
very popular cliche
for speed."

He then turned to George, the Australian who was
contemplating his
reply.

George (Australian): "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you
step out of the
house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you
flip that switch,
way outacross the pasture the light in the barn comes
on. Yep, TURNING
ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third
answer and thought
he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of
light" he said.
Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and
final man, the
interviewer posed the same question.

Eleuterio replied, "Apter herring da 3 frevyos ansers
serrr, et's obyus
to me dat da pastest ting known is Diarrhea."
"WHAT!?" said the
interviewer, stunned by the response. "O I can expleyn
serrr." said
Eleuterio. "YOU SEE SERR, DA odderday I wasn't peeling
so good
and I ran soo past to da CR or batroom. But, bipor I
could THINK,
BLINK, or TURN ON DA LIGHT, ay 'tang ina, I already
had a poo-poo in
my pants.

Eleuterio is now the new "Greeter" at Wal-Mart.

Men and Women

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women leave them.
7. Although the women leave them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you

Marriage is a strange phenomenon that happens...

Marriage is a strange phenomenon that happens to human beings. And the best part is, both the unmarried and the married are unhappy, though for radically opposite reasons, one for not being married, and the other for being married;-). We present you with some great marriage jokes, and we are sure you will love them.

So just read on!Read Full Article ...

OLNY SRMAT POELPE CAN

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it denos't mtater in waht oredr the ltetres in a wrod are, the olny iprnoatmt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt

Funny Story

A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist:

"Hello, could you give me a condom. My girlfriend has invited me for
dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is going
out, he returns and tells her:

"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute
too.
She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and
I
think she expects something from me too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he
turns back and says:

"After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is
still
pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes allusions... and
since
she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting something from me!"
! ;
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his
left,
the sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad gets there,
the boy lowers his head and starts praying:

"Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us..."

A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your
kindness..."

Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The
others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than
the
others. She
gets close to the boy and tells him in his ear:

"I didn't know you were so religious!!!"

The boy replies: "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"

Parental Wisdom - Filipino Style

Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga mumunti ngunit ginintuang butil na payo na nakuha ko sa aking mga magulang.

1. Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:

"Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas! Mga leche kayo, kalilinis ko lang ng bahay."

2. Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay:

"Kapag yang mantsa di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na!"

3.Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC:

"Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko."

4. At kay Inay pa rin ako natuto ng MORE LOGIC:

"Pag ikaw nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang mag-isa ang manonood
ng sine."

5. Si Inay din ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng IRONY:

"Sige ngumalngal ka pa at bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!"

6. Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM:

"Tingnan mo nga yang dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tingnan mo!!!"

7. Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng STAMINA:

"Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga't di mo nauubos lahat ng pagkain mo!"

8. At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung ano ang WEATHER:

"Lintek talaga kayo, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid, parang dinaanan ng bagyo!"

9. Ganito ang paliwanag sa akin ni Inay tungkol sa CIRCLE OF LIFE:

"Malandi kang bata ka, iniluwal kita sa mundong ito, maari rin kitang alisin sa mundong
ito."

10. Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:

"Tumigil ka nga diyan! Huwag kang umarte na parang Nanay mo!"

11. Si Inay naman ang nagturo kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS:

"Nagmana ka nga talaga sa ama mong walanghiya!"

12. Si Inay naman ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng ENVY:

"Maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang. Di ba kayo nagpapasalamat at mayroon kayong magulang na tulad namin?"

13. Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION:

"Sige kang bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay!"

14. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng RECEIVING:

"Uupakan kita pagdating natin sa bahay!"

15. Si Inay naman ang
nagturo sa akin kung ano ang HUMOR:

"Kapag naputol yang mga paa mo ng pinaglalaruan mong lawnmower, wag na wag kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpuhin kita!"

16. At ang pinakamahalaga sa lahat, natutunan ko kina Inay at Itay kung ano ang JUSTICE:

"Balang araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak...tiyak magiging katulad mo at magiging sakit din sa ulo!"

Why I Fired my Secretary???????????

I fired my secretary today because...

Yesterday was my 30th birthday and I wasn't feeling
too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing

my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday".

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning,
let alone any "Happy Birthday". I thought, well, that's

wives for you, the children will remember. The children

came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when

I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said,
"Good morning, Boss, "Happy Birthday". And I felt a little

better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon,

then Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's
such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go

to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the
greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch.
We didn't go where we normally go instead we went out to a

private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said,

"You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go

back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't

mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something

more comfortable" "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake
----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of
our friends, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there ----
on the couch ----

naked.

*Tagalog Na Tunay*

A young, good-looking representative from Laguna sponsored a bill
recommending Filipino language be used in all levels of accounting firms and
banking institutions. The solon claimed it will provide a better
understanding of the business transactions for those who are inexperienced
and non-English speaking citizens.

The bill received unanimous approval from the House and was presented to the
President for signature to become the law of the land. But in spite of the
overwhelming pressure from the members of Congress, President Gloria Arroyo
vetoed the bill.

Why? She found out that when the English "business" words are translated in
Tagalog, they sound very malicious and are "nakaka-hiya at nakaka-kilabot!"

Here are a few sample words from

*English to Tagalog
*
Asset - Ari

Fixed Asset - Nakatirik na ari

Liquid Asset - Basang ari

Solid Asset - Matigas na ari

Owned Asset - Sariling pag-aari

Other Asset - Ari ng iba

False Asset - Ari-ari-an

Miscellaneous Asset - Iba-ibang klaseng ari

Asset Write off - Pinutol na pagaari

Depreciation of Asset - Laspag na pag-aari

Fully Depreciated Asset - Laspag na laspag na pag-aari

Earning asset - Tumutubong pag-aari

Working Asset - Ganado pa ang ari

Non-earning Asset - Baldado na ang ari

Erroneous Entry - Mali ang pagkaka-pasok

Double Entry - Dalawang beses ipinasok

Multiple Entry - Labas pasok nang labas pasok

Correcting Entry - Itinama ang pagpasok

Reversing ntry - Baligtad ang pagkakapasok

Dead Asset - Patay na ang ARI

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH !!!!

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute ....
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.


1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to
have chocolate
(more than once but less than 10)



2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)






3. Add 5







4. Multiply it by 50 -- Ooooppps, I'll wait while you get the calculator






5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1755 .... If
you haven't, add 1754.







6. Now, subtract the four digit year that you were born.





You should have a three digit number by now.....





The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).




The next two numbers are






YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)



THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2008) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND
WHILE IT LASTS.

Sari Sari.. wahaha...

LADY: doc, meron po akong brownish discharge. Parang
na-infect.
DR : gaano kadalas ka mag sex?
LADY: Once a year po.
DR : Ahh, hindi yan infection, KALAWANG YAN!!

GIRL: Ang puti ng bird mo!
BOY : Abasyempre! Likas papaya ata gamit ko dyan!
GIRL: Ginagamitan mo din ba ng downy?
BOY : Bakit, bango ba?
GIRL: Lambot eh!

GMA: Ano bang hinahanap mo dyan sa 3 in 1 coffee mo at
kanina ka pa silip nang silip dyan?
Erap: Hinahanap ko yung libreng asukal! May nakasulat
kasi na "Sugarfree."
GMA: Bobo! Banda yun!

Bitoy: Dagul, bakit ang pandak mo?
Dagul: Kasi, bata pa lang ako, ulila na ako.
Bitoy: Anong kaugnayan nun sa pagiging pandak mo?
Dagul: Sira pala ulo mo! Wala ngang nagpalaki sa akin!

Mr: kung marunong ka lang sanang maglaba, eh di
nka2tipid sana tayo ng 2000 sa maid.
Mrs: hmmph!! kung ikaw mgling sa kama , eh di nakatipid
tayo ng 7500 sa driver!

Doc: kambal anak mo. sister mo nagbigay ng names
Ina: eh tanga un doc, ano pinangalan sa mga anak ko?
Doc: sa girl, DENICE.
Ina: aba, ok un! eh sa boy?
Doc: DENEPHEW..

Son: Ma, bakit kayo tumatalbog sa ibabaw ni daddy??
Mom: Wala anak, pinapaliit ko lang tiyan ng Daddy mo.
Son: Nye! Mapapagod ka lang kasi hinihipan din uli yan
ni yaya!

A black baby was given a pair of wings by a fairy....
Baby: does this mean im an angel??
Fairy laughs....
Fairy: Of course not! negrang 'to, ambisyosa! Paniki
ka!

doc: iho, bakit mu naman sinapak ung lalaki kanina?
Boy: e doc, nakita niya na ninenerbyos ako ako sa
resulta ng AIDS test! tapos sasabihin pa niya...
THINK POSITIVE pare!

In a petshop...
Customer (talking to a parrot): "Hoy! can you speak
ha? can you speak? BOBO!'....
Parrot: "Yes, I can! Ikaw? Can you fly, ha? Can you
fly? GAGO!"

Bigo sa pag-ibig??
Maghanap na lng ng....
KUBA - mapagkumbaba
PILAY - di ka tatakbuhan
BULAG - la paki sa looks
PIPI - di nagbibitiw ng bad words.
at eto the best....
DULING - di ka hahayaan mag-isa!

Magkaibigan kumakain...
Pedro: Anong palaman ng tinapay mo?
Juan: Kiso!
Pedro: Kiso? Ano ka ba nakakahiya ka! Hindi yan kiso!
Chess yan.. CHESS!!

Anong tawag sa uod na nasa gitna ng kalsada??.....e di
matapang!!

Baliw1: bakit ang airplane, pag umiikot ang elisi,
umaangat sa lupa?? bakit ung bintilador kahit umiikot,
nasa mesa pa rin??
Baliw2: Tanga ka pala e! kasi ung bintilador may
kurdon, pinipigilan yon!

Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kunin ko lang
toothbrush ko.
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
Pari: Ok, antay ako.
Sister: pasok na. wala na ako panty!

3 Baliw sa Mental nagku2wentuhan. ..
B1: ako presidente dito!
B2: wala ka sa akin! ako si bush, presidente sa
america!
B1: cno nagsabi?
B2: Ang Diyos!
B3: At kelan kita sinabihan??

Prof: who among u experienced having sex with a
ghost??
Juan raised his hand...
Prof: Really?? how does it feel to have sex with a
Ghost?
Juan: Ay pucha! Akala ko goats!!

Q: Bakit tahimik magbukas ng medicine ang tanga??.....
A: Ayaw niyang magising ang mga sleeping pills..
Nyahaha!!

Erap writing on a slumbook...
Favorite actor:
Arnold
Schawrze.. (erase)
Schaw.. (erase)
Swarzen.. (erase)
Washen.. (erase)
Swachen..(erase)
Arnold Clavio..

Teacher: jigs, ano susunod sa 7?
Jigs: 8 po!
Teacher: sa 2?
Jigs: 3 po!
Teacher: ang galing mo! sino nagturo sayo?
Jigs: tatay ko po!
Teacher: O sige, ano susunod sa 10?
Jigs: Jack po!

Nasa bubong ang sakristan namboboso sa pari at
madre.....
Madre: pano pag nabuntis ako??
Pari: bahala na ang nasa itaas!
Sakristan: Tang ina, bakit ako? Nanonood lang naman

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for few minutes, thus reducing the
pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget
about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

*You only need 2 tools: WD-40 & Duct Tape
If it doesn't move and should, use WD-40
If it shouldn't move and does, use duct tape

*Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them......Never
pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.......If you woke up
breathing,
congratulations, you get another chance.....And finally, be really nice
to
your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to
empty
your bedpan..............

A Filipino Applies for a Job at Wal-Mart.

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack
of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified --
an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Filipino.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine who of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table
the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know?"
Dave, the American, replied, "A THOUGHT . It just pops into your
head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there.
A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't
know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's
a very popular clich� for speed."

He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating
his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the
house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that
switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes
on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and
thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of
light" he said.

Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man,
the interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio replied,
"Apter herring da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et's ob yus to me dat
the fastest thing is Diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others
were already giggling in their seats...

"Oh, I can expleyn sir,." said Eleuterio. " You see, sir, da ader
day my tummy was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the CR, but
before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, 'tang ina, sir,
I had alreydi shoot in my pants!"

Eleuterio is now the new "Greeter" at Wal-Mart.

JOKES FOR ALL SEASONS....

Sa Math Class...

Teacher: Banong, kung meron akong 1 piraso ng karne at hinati ko ito, ilang
piraso na?
Banong: 2 po mam!
Teacher: At kung hnati ko pa pareho?
Banong: 4 na piraso po!
Teacher: Hinati ko ulit.
Banong: 8 piraso po.
Teacher: Hinati ko pa.
Banong: 16 po mam.
Teacher: Hinati ko pa?
Banong: 32 piraso na po!
Teacher: Kung hinati ko ulit?
Banong: 64 po! (nakangiti)
Teacher: At hinati ko pa? 2 beses ko pang hinati?
Banong: Ay susmaryosep mam! GINILING na po! GINILING!!!


SA BAKERY
Pulubi: Palimos po ng cake.
Ale: Aba, sosyal ka ah! Namalimos ka lang, gusto mo pang cake.. eto pandesal!
Pulubi: Duh! Ate?! Bday ko kaya today?!?


ANAK: Tay mag-ingat kayo sa DANKTRAK!.
TATAY: ano ung danktrak?
ANAK: Yunn pong trak na 10 ang gulong na karga buhangin?
TATAY: Tan ga inde danktrak un...TEN MILLER!!!

Honeymoon...
BRIDE: Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako.
GROOM- Kaya mo ito. Di ba dati may alaga kang ahas?
BRIDE- Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!!


BOY: Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo! Lahat ng ginagawa ko puro mali! Lagi nalang ako mali!!! Di 'nyo na ako mahal!
AMA: Nagkakamali ka anak?
BOY: Shet! Mali na naman ako!!!


Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo!
Anak: Kapag yung baboy natin malakas kumain, natutuwa ka. Sino ba talaga ang anak mo, ako o ung baboy? Umayos ka nay! Wag ganun!


BF : May ibibigay akong gift sa iyo, pero hulaan mo muna!
GF: Sige, clue naman...
BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo.
GF: Kwintas?
BF: Hindi... PANGHILOD! SMILE!!!



(Sa loob ng Mall)
GUY: LOVE, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.
Jowa: Ang pangit pang it naman!
GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since...



JUDGE: Ano ba talaga nangyari?
RAPIST: ? (di nagsasalita)
JUDGE: Sumagot ka sa tanong.
RAPIST: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking?


NARS: doc, bat tinanggihan nyo yung pasyente?
DR: alin, yung bakla?
NARS: opo. Baka sabihin namimili tayo, porke bading siya.
DR: ano naman raraspahin ko sa kanya?

FROG: what does my future hold?
FAIRY: y ou'll meet someone who wants to know everything about you.
FROG: great! Will I meet her in a party?
FAIRY: no. in biology class


Things you don't want to hear during your own surgery:
-san yung gunting na bago ? Bat may kalawang to?
-10ml? may nakasurvive na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang!
-doc, ubos na po pala yung anesthesia.
-kanina pa bukas yung tiyan, asan yung pantahi?
-sunog! Sunog! Labas lahat!


'dear te, dear te, dear te!!!'
-sigaw ni Anabel Rama kay Lorin at Veniz (mga anak ni Rofa) habang
naglalaro ng tubig sa kanal.

TEACHER: okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?
PEDRO: ako ma'am! Ako ma'am!
TEACHER: okay Pedro, what is science?
PEDRO: science is our lesson for today.


AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.
(nilabas ni Inday)
INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such
unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
PULUBI: oh! I'm so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!
(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!)
NOSEBLEED!!


BOB: nakakamagkano ka sa 1 araw?
PULUBI: nag-uumpisa kasi ako ng 8am. Ngayon 9am na. naka 80 na ko.
BOB: hindi din masama noh? Ano mabibili mo niyan?
PULUBI: pwede na tong isang espresso macchiato sa starbucks!


DOC: umubo ka!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: ubo pa!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: okay.
PEDRO: ano po ba sakit ko doc?
DOC: may ubo ka.

in a miss gay pageant:
H OST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic
crisis?
BAKLA: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala!

1. Trulalu.
2. eklavu
3. eklavu.
4. trulalu
5. eklavu
6. trulalu
7. trulalu.
8. eklavu
9. trulalu
10. trulalu
-batang bading nagsasagot ng true or false na quiz.


MEKANIKO: sir, hindi ko po naayos preno ng kotse niyo.
CUSTOMER: ha?! Pano yan?
MEKANIKO: nilakasan ko na lang po ang inyong busina! Happy trip na lang po!


Divorced father: anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for child support t apos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya.
Anak: mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na niya ito sakin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng face mo.
Mom: sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!


BOY: dad, tulong naman sa assignment ko. Find the least common denominator daw.
DAD: ha? aba'y elementary pa lang ako eh hinahanap na nila yan ah! Aba'y di pa ba nila nakikita?


Anong sabi ng centipede nung may nakasalubong siyang isang centipede? "uy pare. Apir!apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!api r! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!.... ......


Imagine if all straight guys are talking in gay lingo.
STUDENT: bakit di mo chinuva yung girlalu? Malaki naman ang susey ng lola
mo ah.
HUNK: Winnie cordero nga dude sa susey, Melanie marquez naman sa
brainwaves. Wit na.
Jaworski while coaching: keber sa kalaban! Just focus! We cannot afford to
luz valdez ! Getlakin niyo yung last freethrow! Windangin yung mga julaban!
Ok! Go for the gold to the highest level mga chorva! Gow lang! gow lang ng
gow!


BOY1: nakakakawa naman lola mo.
BOY2: bakit?
BOY1: nakasabay ko kasi magsimba nung isang araw, ubo ng ubo.
Pinagtitinginan nga ng tao.
BOY2: papansin lang yun!
BOY1: bakit?
BOY2: bago kasi blouse niya!


A boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:
If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?
SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, bra, panty!

TEACHER: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa
dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka?
MGA BATA: eeewwww!


STUDENT: ma'am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman
ginawa?
TEACHER: natural hindi.
STUDENT: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko!


PARI: halika sa sulok
MADRE: bakit po?
PARI: sara mo pinto.
MADRE: wag po!
PARI: patayin mo ilaw!
MADRE: diyos ko po!
PARI: tamo rosary ko. Glow in the dark!
TITSER: bat ka na-late?
EDWARD: nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki.
TITSER: tinulungan mo siyang maghanap?EDWARD: hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya.


Sa kasalan
PARI: sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.
GROOM: eto P5, father.
Tinignan ng pari ang bride.
PARI: eto P4 sukli mo iho.


Sabi nung friend ko, nakakalaki daw ng tiyan ang beer. Kasi noon minsan
nalasing siya, nabuntis siya!

Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.
ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
LIBRARIAN: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!


JAIME ZOBEL DE AYALA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Spanish.
HENRY SY: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Chinese.
LITO ATIENZA: 1/2 Hawaii an, 1/2 Polo.
MIKE ARROYO: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 pork.
JOHN OSMENA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pinay.
PROSPERO PICHAY: 1/2 Unggoy, 1/2 gulay.
GMA: 1/2 ... only.


SA OSPITAL.....
WIFE: hon, nahirapan ako huminga.
HUSBAND: kung nahirapan ka ng huminga, itigil mo na.

GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?
BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.
GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang tarantado!


INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.
[pagkatapos tawagan.]
ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot.
INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh! Anong
sabi?
ANAK: 'you only have zero pesos in your account...' hindi ko na tinapos nay
mukhang matapobre.


nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap pa ra magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko lang
siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.
BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.
ERAP: bobo! Seedless to!


ANAK: nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?
NANAY: yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.
ANAK: mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!
NANAY: bakit?
ANAK: ang dami niyong utos eh!


thought to ponder:
hindi kaya ang dahilan ng pagbaha sa panahon ni Noah ay pinutol niya lahat
ng puno para gumawa ng napaka laking arko? ano sa tingin mo?

PEDRO: niloko ko yung tindera kanina.
JUAN: paano mo naman niloko yung tindera?
PEDRO: nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong celfon.


kung totoo ang ' Darwin 's theory of evolution' na ang tao ay nagmula sa
unggoy, bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo?


DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali sa
paluwagan.
PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
DORAY: bakit mare?
PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako.


Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.
ATTENDANT: naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase.
ERAP: ha y salamat. Akala ko bago.